Foodie Friday: Ruth Bordain

Did we really source a semen sample from the mysterious Ruth Bordain for Celebrity Semen Tasting Notes? One can never really be sure when it comes to shadowy figures like shim, but for the price we paid, we sure effing hope we got what we requested. (Either way, it was delicious.)

Appearance: A tiny, lovely sample -- an amuse douche, if you will

Flavor: Offal... just offal...

Aftertaste: Chocolate, dan dan noodles and dank weed

Mouthfeel: Saucy

Experiential pairing: Getting a James Beard nomination, "cheapening" food journalism by being orgasmically awesome

Frank Gehry

Deconstructivist architect Frank Gehry may spend a lot of time wanking onto wads of paper (Or so we're told.... How do you think we got his semen sample?), but he's still one of the best-known and most-discussed starchitects* in the biz. You might love him. You might hate him. But you can only get a true taste of his raw "creative impulses" here on Celebrity Semen Tasting Notes.

Flavor: A strong paper-like flavor with notes of wood (balsa, cork) and mechanical pencil lead

Aftertaste: Galvanized steel, raw plywood

Mouthfeel: Exactly, exactly, exactly like gefilte fish

Experiential pairing: *Hating being called a "starchitect"

Architecture lovers/haters: If you haven't already, check out This Building Rocks for awesome architecture critiques, including the Gehry-Hadid Starchitect Death Match and Lou Ruvo Center for Brain Health crit.

Elton John

As though being one of the best-selling musicians of all time, a vocal AIDS and LGBT activist, and an avid photography collector isn't enough, Sir Elton John is also the source of some of the best "tiny dancers" we've ever tasted. Rocket man, it's time for liftoff!

Flavor: Fresh flowers and even fresher sweat

Aftertaste: Sweet tea's balance of tannins and sugar

Mouthfeel: Pasty

Experiential pairing: Sports and art

(We've heard tell that, like an old world wine, Sir John's semen has improved with age. Then again, maybe it's just that he has been laying off of the cocaine and booze lately.)

Art Appreciation: Semen Art

No, we aren't talking about that kind of "semen art," we're talking about art made with semen as a raw material.

We're starting this ongoing series with some Celebrity Semen love for a deliciously infamous artist, Andres Serrano. Although he's best-known for "Piss Christ," Serrano didn't limit himself to just one bodily fluid in his art; he also produced gorgeous photographic works that portrayed menstrual blood, human milk and, yes, dear reader, our most beloved bodily fluid of all -- semen.

Today, we'll focus on one of Serrano's most famous pieces of semen art, "Blood & Semen II." What do we appreciate about "Blood & Semen II"? We love its bold use of color, shape and line; its sharp division between foreground and background; its slippery, highly textural appearance (thanks to an extreme enlargement of the image through a microscopic lens); its political and emotional undertones (it was produced around the rise of HIV/AIDS, a time when the cultural associations with both blood and semen were drastically shifting); and, of course, its focus on semen.

We'd imagine that we aren't the only ones who'd love Serrano's combination of blood and semen. After all, Lady Gaga is rumored to be producing a fragrance called "Monster" that smells like (You guessed it!) blood and semen. Coincidence? We think not.

What's Your Favorite Flavor Note?

Now through April 1st, vote for your favorite cum flavor note here on Celebrity Semen Tasting Notes.

Do you prefer notes of cocaine (as found in Charlie Sheen's semen) or cocoa (like in Conan O'Brien's o-fluids)? Leather (tasted in book-binding form in Kenneth Branagh's cum) or meat (like the raw flavor of Daniel Day-Lewis's juices)?

Vote anonymously with our poll in the right-hand column. And don't forget to tell your friends!

NPR's Got Taste: Click & Clack Cocktail

We've tasted Ira Glass. We've tasted Planet Money. Now it's time to finish off our NPR semen flight with a Click & Clack cum cocktail.* Brothers Tom and Ray Magliozzi may be best-known for their NPR radio show Car Talk, but they are also rumored to have some seriously great radiator fluid, if you know what we mean. Join us for a test drive of their newest model (top-of-the-line trim level, including real wood trim and pearl paint):

Flavor: A chemical note akin to "that new car smell," hints of petroleum

Aftertaste: Exhaust, rubber

Mouthfeel: Very oily

Experiential pairing: Phone calls filled with explicit details, fixing the Space Shuttle, not driving like my brother

Now more than ever (except perhaps in 1983), it's important to lend a hand to NPR. Support your local NPR station or otherwise support NPR today!

* Don't drink and drive! But DO check out more of our blended semen reviews. Click the "blended" label below or see our previous blends of the Planet Money team's male members and of Pierce Brosnan and Sean Connery.

NPR's Got Taste: Planet Money

Continuing our series on the flavors found at NPR, we're sampling a blended semen* from the male members** of the Planet Money team (Adam Davidson, Alex Blumberg, David Kestenbaum, Jacob Goldstein and Jess Jiang). Fun fact -- Planet Money's cum is worth its weight in gold.

Flavor: Metallic and rich

Aftertaste: Dirty, dirty, dirty

Mouthfeel: Pulpy and satiating

Experiential pairing: Rolling around in a big ol' bed full of money

Now more than ever (except perhaps in 1983), it's important to lend a hand to NPR. Support your local NPR station or otherwise support NPR today!

* For more blended semen reviews, click the "blended" label below or see our previous blend of Pierce Brosnan and Sean Connery.
** We mean no offense in excluding the women of Planet Money from our tasting! We just prefer not to mix male and female fluids, as the flavors tend to get a little muddled. If you're interested in tasting notes from famous women, check out our monthly column on the topic, "Lady Juices".

NPR's Got Taste: Ira Glass

National Public Radio recently came under fire from House Republicans, who passed a bill ending federal support for NPR. In honor of the intelligent, passionate and often hilarious men and women of NPR, we are are focusing this week's celebrity semen tasting notes on the many and varied tastes of NPR. We begin our series on the flavors found within this formidable media institution with a sample from none other than This American Life host Ira Glass:

Flavor: Daringly bold, bittersweet and complex, yet with a broad appeal and high level of approachability
Aftertaste: Comes in waves... echoes of flavor keep popping back up for hours and hours
Mouthfeel: Smooth and rounded
Experiential pairing: A sexual encounter in three acts. Act one...

Now more than ever (except perhaps in 1983), it's important to lend a hand to NPR. Support your local NPR station or otherwise support NPR today!

Vote for Your Favorites

Don't forget -- There are only two days left to vote for your favorite "Irish creme" here on Celebrity Semen Tasting Notes! Cast your vote with the poll in the right-hand column of the blog. Is it too hard for you to pick just one? Vote for multiple samples from our "Spunk of the Irish" series!

You can also share your opinions and tasting experiences by posting in the comments section of each blog post, and you can recommend a celeb or share your own celebrity semen tasting notes by emailing us at celebritysementastingnotes [AT] gmail [DOT] com. We welcome your feedback!

And, if you want to keep in touch with the latest Celebrity Semen posts, you can follow us or subscribe to our RSS feed. Just scroll down and select your preferred subscription method or click "follow" in the right-hand column of the page.

Lady Juices: Michelle Obama

Welcome to the first posting of our monthly column: Lady Juices. Once a month, we will devote a post to the delectable juices of female celebrities. The first lady we've selected to commence our series on lady cum is, in fact, THE first lady -- Mrs. Michelle Obama herself -- and we just can't say enough about how wonderful her lady juices taste!*

Flavor: sophisticated notes of rich loam, ripe raspberries and baby spinach
Aftertaste: fresh passionfruit
Mouthfeel: raw, unfiltered honey
Experiential pairing: graduating cum laude, dressing impeccably, keeping an organic garden

* As you might have guessed, our lady juice samples are sourced in a similar manner to our semen samples. For more information, see our sourcing policies.

Spunk of the Irish: Daniel Day-Lewis

Happy Saint Patrick's Day! We're celebrating here on Celebrity Semen Tasting Notes with a sample from veteran method actor Daniel Day-Lewis, who has won many accolades for his fine performances in serious dramas like There Will Be Blood and Gangs of New York. 

Flavor: Bold notes of raw red meat and sweaty socks

Aftertaste: Shoe leather

Mouthfeel: Seriously oily

Experiential pairing: Winning at everything forever

PS -- If you haven't already, be sure to vote for your favorite "Irish creme" from our "Spunk of the Irish" week with the poll on the right!

Spunk of the Irish: Colin Farrell

Lauded as one of the world's sexiest men, Colin Farrell is also known for his roles in the Miami Vice movie, Horrible Bosses (soon to be released) and a lawsuit-ridden sex tape.

Appearance: Golden tan
Flavor: Dark notes of unfiltered cigarette smoke and boiled, dirty wool
Aftertaste: Unexpectedly fresh (phresh?) and clean*
Mouthfeel: Thick and oily
Experiential pairings: Propositioning elderly women for sex, writing poetry

* In terms of taste. Given Colin's notorious sexual history (see: intro and experiential pairings, above), we opted to pasteurize this particular sample. For more information on raw vs. pasteurized semen, see our sourcing policies.

Spunk of the Irish: Jonathan Rhys Meyers

Jonathan Rhys Meyers has played a diverse range of characters, including the Bowie-inspired Brian Slade/Maxwell Demon in Velvet Goldmine, Elvis in the miniseries Elvis and King Henry VIII in The Tudors. When he's not busy acting or modeling for various fashion/fragrance lines, he tends to pop in and out of rehab and get banned from airlines, but what he lacks in class he makes up for in taste (or, rather, tastiness).

Appearance: Shimmery, almost silvery
Flavor: Bold, nutty (peanuts?), fruity (plantain or perhaps banana)
Aftertaste: Fleeting and delicate, perfumey
Mouthfeel: Slick and oily
Experiential pairing: Being outrageous and outraged about nothing in particular, wearing elaborate costumes

Spunk of the Irish: Bono

You probably know Bono as a musician with sexy moans or as a humanitarian focused on world hunger, AIDS, debt and Africa. Hand to the Bible: One of my exes thinks Bono is a reincarnation of Buddha. This particular ex might be crazy (okay, okay, IS crazy), but still... there's something undeniably divine about Bono's sprog.

Appearance: Blindingly white

Flavor: Bittersweet with a pop-like flavor; versatile enough to appeal to a wide range of tastes, it's likely that both you and your mom would love it equally

Aftertaste: Heavenly, like the head on a well-pulled Guinness

Experiential pairing: Fundraising, moaning

Spunk of the Irish: Pierce Brosnan & Sean Connery

We know, we know... Sean Connery isn't Irish and single-origin semen almost ALWAYS bests blended semen. However, when we got our hands on samples from not one, but TWO, former James Bonds, we couldn't help but make a Scotch-Irish blend -- shaken, not stirred, of course. As you'll see, the blend mellows the slap-in-the-face roughness of Sean Connery and gives the overly smooth Pierce Brosnan a little more oomph.

Flavor: Intoxicating notes of Chemex-brewed dark roast coffee, Turkish tobacco and Kina Lillet
Aftertaste: Gunpowder
Mouthfeel: Slippery and rich
Experiential pairing: Womanizing (and, apparently, getting leg tattoos)

Spunk of the Irish: Kenneth Branagh

Known for Hamlet, The Magic Flute and, now, Thor, Kenneth Branagh is an accomplished actor/director/swordsman. We recently had the pleasure of sampling a raw specimen from him, or, more specifically, from his other magic flute. Here's what we have to share from the experience:

Appearance: Thick and pure white
Flavor: Refined with a warm, spicy undertone
Aftertaste: Old books -- aged paper, leather binding
Mouthfeel: Surprisingly tingly, almost like a mild electric shock
Experiential pairing: Wrapped in velvet curtains, speak iambic rhythms

Spunk of the Irish: Conan O'Brien

In honor of the upcoming St. Patrick's Day holiday, we're celebrating with a week of Irish celebrity semen!

Our first "guest" is Conan O'Brien. Conan may have had a rough year, but you wouldn't know it from the sample we recently cupped. Skintight jeggings and pseudo-firings be damned -- this man's fruits are ripe for plucking!

Appearance: Pale and thin
Flavor: Instant hot cocoa with a fiery kick
Aftertaste: After the initial flavor, there's a short hiatus. Then, a wildly nutty aftertaste kicks in late and lasts about an hour.
Mouthfeel: Milky -- 1%
Experiential pairing: One word... webcam

Charlie Sheen

This is not one of our rarest samples, but it is one of our most popular. If you're puzzled at how we sourced Charlie Sheen's semen*, then you clearly haven't been reading the news much lately -- his is, perhaps, the most abundant on the market at the moment. So, what do this unusual bad boy's abundant bad boys taste like?

Flavor: Bold, sour and chemical, with notes of citrus pith, liquid bleach and powdered cocaine
Aftertaste: An as-of-yet-unidentified, exotic, metallic (iron-heavy) note was surprisingly lasting... as in "couldn't be clawed out of your mouth if you tried"
Mouthfeel: Thick, dense and winning (duh!)
Experiential pairing: Blondes, blow and blowjobs -- a natural pairing, especially when it comes to celebs like Charlie

* Although we strive to provide tasting notes for raw semen whenever possible, this particular semen was pasteurized for safety reasons. Please see our sourcing policies for more details.