Friday, April 1, 2011

Foodie Friday: Ruth Bordain

Did we really source a semen sample from the mysterious Ruth Bordain for Celebrity Semen Tasting Notes? One can never really be sure when it comes to shadowy figures like shim, but for the price we paid, we sure effing hope we got what we requested. (Either way, it was delicious.)

Appearance: A tiny, lovely sample -- an amuse douche, if you will
Flavor: Offal... just offal...
Aftertaste: Chocolate, dan dan noodles and dank weed
Mouthfeel: Saucy
Experiential pairing: Getting a James Beard nomination, "cheapening" food journalism by being orgasmically awesome

Thursday, March 31, 2011

Frank Gehry

Deconstructivist architect Frank Gehry may spend a lot of time wanking onto wads of paper (Or so we're told.... How do you think we got his semen sample?), but he's still one of the best-known and most-discussed starchitects* in the biz. You might love him. You might hate him. But you can only get a true taste of his raw "creative impulses" here on Celebrity Semen Tasting Notes.

Flavor: A strong paper-like flavor with notes of wood (balsa, cork) and mechanical pencil lead
Aftertaste: Galvanized steel, raw plywood
Mouthfeel: Exactly, exactly, exactly like gefilte fish
Experiential pairing: *Hating being called a "starchitect"

Architecture lovers/haters: If you haven't already, check out This Building Rocks for awesome architecture critiques, including the Gehry-Hadid Starchitect Death Match and Lou Ruvo Center for Brain Health crit.

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Elton John

As though being one of the best-selling musicians of all time, a vocal AIDS and LGBT activist, and an avid photography collector isn't enough, Sir Elton John is also the source of some of the best "tiny dancers" we've ever tasted. Rocket man, it's time for liftoff!

: Fresh flowers and even fresher sweat
Aftertaste: Sweet tea's balance of tannins and sugar
Mouthfeel: Pasty
Experiential pairing: Sports and art

(We've heard tell that, like an old world wine, Sir John's semen has improved with age. Then again, maybe it's just that he has been laying off of the cocaine and booze lately.)

Sunday, March 27, 2011

Art Appreciation: Semen Art

No, we aren't talking about that kind of "semen art," we're talking about art made with semen as a raw material.

We're starting this ongoing series with some Celebrity Semen love for a deliciously infamous artist, Andres Serrano. Although he's best-known for "Piss Christ," Serrano didn't limit himself to just one bodily fluid in his art; he also produced gorgeous photographic works that portrayed menstrual blood, human milk and, yes, dear reader, our most beloved bodily fluid of all -- semen.

Today, we'll focus on one of Serrano's most famous pieces of semen art, "Blood & Semen II." What do we appreciate about "Blood & Semen II"? We love its bold use of color, shape and line; its sharp division between foreground and background; its slippery, highly textural appearance (thanks to an extreme enlargement of the image through a microscopic lens); its political and emotional undertones (it was produced around the rise of HIV/AIDS, a time when the cultural associations with both blood and semen were drastically shifting); and, of course, its focus on semen.

We'd imagine that we aren't the only ones who'd love Serrano's combination of blood and semen. After all, Lady Gaga is rumored to be producing a fragrance called "Monster" that smells like (You guessed it!) blood and semen. Coincidence? We think not.

Friday, March 25, 2011

What's Your Favorite Flavor Note?

Now through April 1st, vote for your favorite cum flavor note here on Celebrity Semen Tasting Notes.

Do you prefer notes of cocaine (as found in Charlie Sheen's semen) or cocoa (like in Conan O'Brien's o-fluids)? Leather (tasted in book-binding form in Kenneth Branagh's cum) or meat (like the raw flavor of Daniel Day-Lewis's juices)?

Vote anonymously with our poll in the right-hand column. And don't forget to tell your friends!

Thursday, March 24, 2011

NPR's Got Taste: Click & Clack Cocktail

We've tasted Ira Glass. We've tasted Planet Money. Now it's time to finish off our NPR semen flight with a Click & Clack cum cocktail.* Brothers Tom and Ray Magliozzi may be best-known for their NPR radio show Car Talk, but they are also rumored to have some seriously great radiator fluid, if you know what we mean. Join us for a test drive of their newest model (top-of-the-line trim level, including real wood trim and pearl paint):

Flavor: A chemical note akin to "that new car smell," hints of petroleum
Aftertaste: Exhaust, rubber
Mouthfeel: Very oily
Experiential pairing: Phone calls filled with explicit details, fixing the Space Shuttle, not driving like my brother

Now more than ever (except perhaps in 1983), it's important to lend a hand to NPR. Support your local NPR station or otherwise support NPR today!

* Don't drink and drive! But DO check out more of our blended semen reviews. Click the "blended" label below or see our previous blends of the Planet Money team's male members and of Pierce Brosnan and Sean Connery.

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

NPR's Got Taste: Planet Money

Continuing our series on the flavors found at NPR, we're sampling a blended semen* from the male members** of the Planet Money team (Adam Davidson, Alex Blumberg, David Kestenbaum, Jacob Goldstein and Jess Jiang). Fun fact -- Planet Money's cum is worth its weight in gold.

Flavor: Metallic and rich
Aftertaste: Dirty, dirty, dirty
Mouthfeel: Pulpy and satiating
Experiential pairing: Rolling around in a big ol' bed full of money

Now more than ever (except perhaps in 1983), it's important to lend a hand to NPR. Support your local NPR station or otherwise support NPR today!

* For more blended semen reviews, click the "blended" label below or see our previous blend of Pierce Brosnan and Sean Connery.
** We mean no offense in excluding the women of Planet Money from our tasting! We just prefer not to mix male and female fluids, as the flavors tend to get a little muddled. If you're interested in tasting notes from famous women, check out our monthly column on the topic, "Lady Juices".